Like many other women, I started my young adulthood obsessing about my weight. No need for me to explain that story as it is not much different than many others. But one thing I will mention is that I thought I was finally in a good place when I was 28 and at the thinnest I’d been since high school. Little did I know that my body would quickly be changing and self-acceptance was something that would be easy to stomach.
My Skinny Body Was Not a Product of Self-Love
In the late summer of 2021, I left a toxic and arguably abusive relationship. On August 6th of that year, I found out drugs were the root of the manipulation and emotional abuse I had been experiencing for months. Everything made sense and quickly I realized I needed to get out and get out fast.
Less than three weeks later I flew across the country to live in a new state without knowing a soul. It was a fresh start. I left behind the familiarity of the Northeast as well as the 10+ lbs I shed from anxiety, stress, and a bit of starvation whilst exiting my nightmare of a romance I once thought to be true love. Makes me want to barf thinking about it.
When I landed in my new home in Utah, I was bright-eyed and had no tears or weight left to shed. That fall of 2021 was the last time my body had to cope with the demands of my emotions and the lack of nutrition it deserved. My days of only finding love for myself in my skinny body were beginning to fade.
I Was Scared to Gain Weight
By the following summer in 2022, I had comfortably settled into my new home. I had already bought my first house, met an incredible man who loves me, got a new best furry friend, and made whole new connections and friendships that have helped me to establish myself in this new place.
Having been happier and healthier over the course of a few months, I had naturally put on a little bit of weight. 10 lbs to be exact. But I was back at my normal healthy weight prior to my previous relationship. This was something I was okay with, but I still had that lingering “oh I know I can get skinny again” voice in the back of my head.
Well, how would I get skinny?
I basically did not eat more than one meal a day through most of 2021. I would make vegetable juices all day and then eat a “healthy” dinner at night while trying so hard not to ravage through my pantry and eat that damn cookie that had been haunting me.
Yes, I knew how to get skinny, but it was not without any suffering. The only reason I was able to easily do it during my previous season was that it was a way to have control in a situation where I felt like I had none.
Why I Started Working With a Coach
By the summer, I could tell I had put on some weight but not in a bad way. As I had mentioned, I was filling in what I had lost. However, I knew I needed work to get over the mental hurdle of accepting my healthy weight. I needed help.
That July I went on a cruise with my family and one of my best friends who was a former roommate from grad school. She looked incredible. What was her secret? She hired a nutrition and training coach.
After talking about how she had used the reverse diet method, gained so much muscle and strength, and then cut to lose some extra fat, I was intrigued. But what really sold me was how she changed her relationship with food. It was no longer an obsession but just a part of her routine. I wanted that, too.
As soon as I got home from our trip I applied to work with the coaching service and started a week later.
I Was Hyped About a Reverse Diet
Starting with my coach, Sarah, was the excitement I needed to spark new change in my life. I was eager to hop on the wagon and do whatever she told me. Luckily, she is the best listener and truly takes my needs and concerns into consideration when planning my program.
She had me start my reverse diet with an 1800-2000 calorie target with appropriate macro splits coupled with a 3-day-a-week lifting program. I already was active with hiking on the weekends and attending Barre classes 2-3 days a week. She created a program custom to my interests and abilities. It was perfect.
The only thing I was truly not comfortable with was the scale. I had to weigh myself every day. Ugg.
She assured me it is a data point that is used to track changes over time. It was a way of understanding my body changes through this reverse diet phase. It was not a way to judge my self-worth. As uncomfortable as this was, in hindsight I needed it to overcome my fear of the scale and take ownership of my body.
My Weight Became Nothing More Than a Data Point
As the months pressed on I started to slowly put on a little weight through my reverse diet. I was getting more okay with seeing my weight every day. This helped me learn about how my activity and nutrition intake affected the fluid retention in my body.
Every few weeks my calories and macros were going up and I was eating more. It was awesome and I was only gaining a little bit of weight with hardly any changes in my measurements.
Sarah was super supportive in helping to logically ground me every time I got upset about a number on the scale or had a question about my body changes. I built more confidence in myself and respect for my body by not giving it love only based on a scale number. I was showing up for my body no matter what the scale said.
This had me super eager to continue on this reverse diet journey. I started to do research on how to grow my muscles stronger. One of the biggest researched topics I found with thousands of articles and studies to back it is the use of creatine.
As soon as I brought it up to my coach and my other fitness friends I got a resounding, YES. So I bought it and have taken it every day since.
Did My Coach Trick Me?
I did my homework on creatine like the nerd I am. I read about all of the benefits and side effects. The biggest one I was not prepared for was weight gain. And I gained weight.
Within my first week of creatine, I put on 6 lbs in weight. I was shocked and it was scary for me because I have never gained weight that quickly. No matter how much the research or my coach told me it was water retention, my mind was racing back to old negative thoughts.
Had my coach tricked me? I am following her plan and eating the hype. I’ve already gained 5lbs working with her within the first 2 months of my reverse diet and now another 6lbs. By the next week, I was up to 10 lbs since I had started with her. Oh yeah, and I was eating up to 2600 calories.
Is this a scam so I gain weight and then they make me lose it to look like we accomplished something? I was panicking and wanted to just quit and do a juice cleanse as I had in my darker days.
When My Mindset About Weight Started To Shift
After taking creatine for almost two weeks my weight stopped going up. I was now 20 lbs heavier than I was the year before. 10 of those were put on in only 3 months. However, I needed to stop freaking out and be logical here.
Why would I pay all this money for a coach to intentionally make me gain weight? My clothes still fit. My measurements are the same. I don’t understand why I’m so much heavier but don’t look it.
Then it hit me, I had gained muscle and recomposed my body. After three weeks of creatine, increasing the intensity of my workouts under the guidance of my coach, and consistently eating more protein, the work was paying off.
I built muscle, muscle!!!
I was so hung up over a number of my gravitational force into the earth that I forgot to really look at the truth of what was going on.
My coach had been telling me this all along but it didn’t hit me until one day I showed up at the gym and was suddenly lifting heavier and crushing my PRs. The trend continued. Still is to this day albeit at a slower rate because I’m no longer in the newbie gains phase.
I Became Un-obsessed and Started Living
This was why I needed to do the work. I needed to break free of the grip the scale had on me and the idea in my head of how much I should weigh. I needed to accept that growth and health do not get defined by one data point. My successes in and out of the gym are because of more than just the physical work, but the mental work I had to do.
This reverse diet program was an uncomfortable few months for me to get through and truly see this perspective. But finally, I feel like I broke free to the other side.
No longer do I obsess about food. It fuels me, I enjoy it, and I move on. I don’t waste much time thinking about it and I am free to expend my thoughts on things that benefit me, like making plans to hike with my dog or go out on a date with my boyfriend. This is how I am finally living life how I choose.
Where I Am Now
As I write my story, I am still working with my coach. I adore Sarah and she has helped me so much through this journey I could write a novel about my experience.
Today, I still eat all of the foods I enjoy and fuel my body to perform in ways I love. Outside of the gym I am an avid skier and have improved over the course of this journey because of my increased strength and nourishment. I can go on hikes for miles with my dog and peacefully recover that same night with a full belly and a sleepy head.
Since I started this journey and left my old life, I have gained 30(+/-)lbs and I can confidently say that has been all and everything I’ve needed. It had its ups and downs but I feel amazing, look great, and am stronger than ever.
I don’t expect my body will always be this size. As humans, we are always fluctuating in life and that is more than okay. But what I do know is I will continue on this road of self-love and respect for my body. I only have this one body to take me through life and I’m going to make sure I make the most of it.
Final Thoughts
My hope is if you are trying to make peace with yourself and are struggling know you are not alone.
I get it and it is not something you can heal overnight. But know you are deserving of love and your body deserves your love most of all. It’s okay to be scared, in fact, it can spark joy midway through your journey. You are not your before and after but here now and I encourage you to embrace yourself right now.
Thank you for taking the time to read about my journey. Please share your comments below on how this may have resonated with you or any questions you may have!
